I've been home for three hours. I don't know where the time went. I'm lost in thoughts and conversations. Even as I write, my mind wanders; I am so bored of this. I can chronicle my thoughts. What's the point? You don't need this information. There's no point in thinking about things outside of my control. Whatever will be, will be. I need to remember this.
I want to change my bedtime. Since recalling this, I haven't struggled with it. I want to change other things, but I continue to struggle with those changes. Do I want to change? Do I need to take a different approach? Am I seeing a problem where there is none?
addendum: was watching a nice show last night. It's called Beef, and is about a road rage incident. Funny, off-kilter, relatable. People being strange people. Anyways, this made it hard for me to go to bed on time. I still managed to. +1 for me, right?
To break a habit: catch and redirect. You have to know what you're redirecting to, though. Catching it is just an observation. Redirecting negative daydreams into positive ones has never been enough. I'm not invested in the positive daydreams. To redirect, I think about what I'm doing at a particular moment (It is 7am. I am lying in bed, on my right side, and typing. I want to go out for a meal today or tomorrow. I need to go out to eat so I can know how other food tastes. I'd like to combine this trip with a few other stops. I don't really need groceries—meal prep was successful!—though I do need to return a book to the library. I've been thinking about going to the place down the street. I wish I could place a takeout order via the internet. Should I order the noodle dish? I shouldn't do noodles, but trying Khmer food would be interesting. l could also go to the Mediteranean place? Or the Greek place, I know I keep meaning to go there. I'll wait to look at menus until it's time to order. I've wasted so much time looking at menus. Stop it. Keep writing) and keep my thoughts active. What am I doing, what am I planning to do, what am I worrying about.
I'd written a short story where "cinnamon rolls" were an adorable creature. The hunter would observe them as they come out of the holes in the ground; they'd catch cinnamon rolls with a net. Cinnamon rolls would peep/chitter. They would be steamed; a handful of cinnamon rolls would feed a person. They tasted like ~dun duh dun!~ cinnamon rolls.
Because I am typing on my phone, my thumb keeps sleeping. "Cinnamon rolls" becomes "connamon rolls"—conman rolls? What are those?—and what becomes ahat. Conman rolls are stored in hats. Rolls of dough? Perhaps they, too, have minds of their own. Valuable creatures who are used to barter with others.
I keep enough in my bank account to cover six months of living expenses. The rest goes to student loans. I don't know if this is a good strategy, but it is the strategy I'm following. This week, I'll be able to pay off one of the loans from my first college. This will be followed by taking out another loan for this semester, which will promptly swamp all progress I've made on my loans. The cost is part of the reason why I wonder if dropping out is a good idea. "Throwing in the towel" because it's expensive and I don't care enough. ARGH. I guess I'll see how this semester starts. I hope I'm not serious. I'm worried I am. I'm so tired of this cycle of classes; I could set myself free from dumb requirements I lament. My parents—I should call them tonight?—would be mad at me. I think they'd make me put more payments to their loans. I will pay off my loans before theirs; devil knows they make enough money as is. They're down another kid this fall. One of them is now in public school (kindergarten is free, while pre-k isn't), so that'll save them a bit. Of course, subtract the money my dad wastes on crap, and maybe they do need all the help they can get. Idk. I'll call and we'll get plans sorted out.
Yesterday, I came home from work and killed ten flies. I can count the smudges on the window (+1 from my room). I really need to buy a lid for this trash can, or a trash can with a lid. Nobody near me sells them, though.
I hate how much I dread my thesis. I do not want to write this. I want to speedrun it the week before school starts, and then spend the semester cleaning it up. I need it off of my plate. I don't give a rat's ass about this topic—sure, it's cool it exists—idk I'm doing a lit review, more or less, and have a list of papers to read. A monkey could do this. This monkey procrastinates. This monkey wants to be in the kitchen. This monkey wants to learn to cook.
There's a dish one of my coworkers is possessive over. Yesterday, I got to learn the first half of prepping it (cutting + marinade). I don't know where the stuff for the marinade is, though. Eh. I know more than I used to. I'll probably never use this knowledge. He's going to haunt me for daring to touch it.